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0214am
38 degrees. I didnt know my temperature was that high. I told myself to just sleep and everything will be different tomorrow but i cant. Each time i try to shut my eyes, tears just keep flowing down. My cheeks are so hot and i cant breathe properly. How easy you can actually make it sound. How easy. I'm still not able to believe how easy you made it sound. Of all people, i didnt expect hongru would be the one to keep messaging and calling to check on me. He is really one good friend. Thank you.
God, will you let me die? Please let me die right now. While walking home from nisha's house, stupid things came rushing into my mind. How should i end this life. Slit my wrist? Jump from a building? Drown myself? Detergent? Every single possible thought came into my mind. It's very silly yes i know. But, i really dont know what to feel anymore. I broke down and cried till my heart ache so so much. It was all my fault from the beginning. Yes, i was such a bitch and a fucking fucked up girlfriend. I dont deserve to have anyone to love me at all. I should be alone. I should just die. With this, i would not make people's life miserable. I am a jinx and never should have appeared in anyone's life. Dear God, please just let me die. I didnt eat for 24hours and instead, i puke when i came home. My whole body is temperature hot and i am trembling.
During work, kelsey and i were looking forward to 85 for food. We were so looking forward to it. But in the end, i couldnt eat at all and we went to meet nisha instead. I am sorry kels and thank you for your presence.
I came home and my mom looked at me asking why i looked so pale and weak. She thinks that it's work which caused this. I didnt want her to worry so i just said i was really tired.
I cant type any longer. My fingers are shaking so badly and i cant take it any longer.
♥ With love, Amanda